“Man Up”: Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

Luke is a 17-year-old senior in high school dating a junior named Brittany.  They have been officially dating for roughly five-months. Brittany is Luke’s first girlfriend and of course he is nervous about the right things to do and say with Brittany because he wants to impress her and be a “good” boyfriend.  They get into a minor argument at an after school program because of something Luke said, and Brittany rushes off angrily. Luke follows her up the hallway to see why she was upset but eventually stops to give Brittany some space.  The next day Luke approaches Brittany before class and asks what she was upset about. She replies “You should have just grabbed me like a real man and made me tell you yesterday”.          

            Robert was venting to his brother about a conversation he had with his supervisor.  Robert presented his findings at a meeting from a project he had been working on for six-weeks.  He thought his presentation went well, however his supervisor met with him afterward to provide feedback.  Robert’s supervisor believed his presentation could have provided stronger support with details on how the presented data could better benefit the company.  Robert was upset he did not get the praise he thought he deserved, so he went to vent to his brother and express his frustrations.  His brother replied with “Dude, you just need to man up! Your boss isn’t going to baby you”.

Unfortunately, these stories happen more often than not.  Men are constantly challenged to “Man Up” without regard to how such a statement can negatively impact one’s understanding of what it means to be a man.  A few weeks ago one of my Resident Assistants (RA) asked, “What does it mean when guys say man up?”  I chuckled slightly, but paused in my reply because I wanted to answer intentionally.  I briefly thought, what have I felt when someone has told me to “man up”?  I told my RA “man up” is a commonly used phrase that can have a number of meanings, as well as reactions; it is sometimes used to antagonize men into some sort of action, and unfortunately similar statements feed into societal expectations of how men should think and perform.  Messages such as I need to do better, I need to “grow a pair”, I need to be more mature, stop being a punk, and other alike thoughts can be associated with the phrase “man up”.

Though my RA was just curious, the question she asked is very powerful.  For example, in conversations with young men from around the world, author Michael Kimmel (2008) summarized ten notions of what the participants felt it meant to be a man. A few of them are: (1). ‘Boys Don’t Cry’, (2). ‘It’s Better to be Mad than Sad’, (3). ‘Don’t Get Mad – Get Even’, (4.) ‘Take It Like a Man’… (p. 45).  When I hear these phrases, I picture alarms sounding off in the inner voice or conscious that filters what transmits to the brain as “this is what a man is…”.  Well, instead of constantly challenging a man’s masculinity based on how he interacts with his everyday environment, I pose that people experiment with saying what they mean and mean what they say.  Clear communication can help alleviate misinterpreted messages, address one’s specific behavior and not their identity, and reduce unhealthy understandings of their identity. 

For instance, Brittany could have told Luke that she wished he would have followed her and waited until she calmed down to ask why she was upset.  Stating “you should have grabbed me like a man” can distort Luke’s understanding of how to treat a significant other that may not result in the most positive outcome.  In Robert’s situation, his brother could have validated Robert’s frustration while also challenging him to think about the feedback his boss provided and what can be improved for the future.  Saying “you need to man up” can desensitize Robert’s desire to express his feelings, which can fragment how he handles situations as a “man”.  Neither of these reactions communicates to the men how they can make an effective correction in their behavior. 

In an ideal world, we would hope that people would take to the time to articulate their thoughts rather than saying “man up” or “take it like a man”.  Our duty as educators is to encourage the environments around us to rethink their messages and how they can impact someone’s understanding of identity.  The task is not easy nor will it happen tomorrow, however taking steps to challenge the language we use in regard to masculinity will make us more aware of it in the environments we interact with.  Masculinity is multifaceted, fluid, and subjective to one’s own definition.  Being a “man”, however, is a little less complicated.  Comedian and writer, Erin Judge (2014), created a cleaver diagram that simplifies what a “man” is.  So, the next time you hear someone say “man up”, ask them to say a little more about what they mean, and maybe even share this diagram with them.

Photo from: http://cdn.goodmenproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Screen-shot-2014-01-15-at-10.48.13-AM.png

References

Judge, E. (2014, January 21). A definitive chart for determining if someone is a real man.

Retrieved from http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-definitive-chart-to-determining-if-someone-is-a-real-man-shesaid/

Kimmel, S. M. (2008). Guyland: The perilous world where boys become men.

New York, NY. Harper Collins Publishers.

  

Tim Hall is a Resident Director at Berklee College of Music.  He received his Masters of Education in Student Affairs from Iowa State University and is also a musician and poet. You can contact Tim through email: tv_hall@hotmail.com;

FB: www.facebook.com/1SoulP; TW: tv_hall; Blog: 1soulpurpose.wordpress.com

Exploring College Men’s Relationship (or lack thereof) with Diversity Experiences

I have always been astounded by the impact diversity may have on students as they encounter these new and profound experiences, perspectives, and ideas.  I know my personal experience as a college student was forever shaped by these opportunities college environments provide students.  At the same time, the important learning and development opportunities diversity provides for college students is being challenged.  Just last year, the Fisher v. University of Texas case argued affirmative action policies for public universities were unconstitutional to gain a diverse student body for educational purposes. 

Specifically, I continue to observe and process how these experiences of diversity in higher education influence men’s gender identity development.  Recent studies on college men’s gender identity development suggests diversity experiences in higher education may influence their gender identities in positive ways (Harris III, 2010; Edwards & Jones, 2009).  Typically, these insights to how college men’s engagement with diversity in college settings are not the exact purpose of the research but are recognized as findings that should be explored further. 

Relationships between college men and diversity experiences  

Sax’s (2008) research on gender difference of college experience and performance found “diverse interactions and learning experiences as particularly eye-opening experiences for male students” (p. 132).   Sax (2008) explained activities that included a diversity element alter college men’s worldviews and causes them to question their role in the world.  This is consistent with founded research on diversity and college students.  Interactional diversity, student interaction with people who are different, and classroom diversity, diversity-related experiences in the formal in-class curriculum, have continued to support student learning and development in college for all students (Gurin, Dey, Hurtado, & Gurin, 2002).   Harris III (2010) and Edwards and Jones (2009) studied men’s gender identity development and suggested diversity experiences in higher education may influence positive and healthy gender identities.

Harris III’s (2010) research on how men make meaning of masculinity in college found diversity of campus culture to generate awareness of masculinity alternatives.  Diverse campus cultures supported the cross-cultural interaction of men with different backgrounds yielding more complex ideas about masculinity gender norms and roles (Harris III, 2010).  Harris III (2010) argued interactions through diversity challenged college men’s conceptualizations of pre-college gender socialized masculine identities.  Interactions with male student peers from diverse backgrounds allowed for more acceptance of alternative masculine identities (Harris III, 2010).  Harris III discussed his findings as support for Sax’s (2008) findings of diversity interactions being eye-opening experiences for college males. The more meaningful diverse interactional experiences with men from different backgrounds challenged prior gender socialization and encouraged new gender identity formations.   

Edwards and Jones’s (2009) study of men’s gender identity development also found diverse experiences to be significant influencers that allowed for men to develop a more authentic gender identity opposed to the pre-college socialized identity.  Men discovered a more positive masculine identity through personal influences, literary and historical influences, and alternative versions of masculinity, academic courses, and critical events in their lives (Edwards & Jones, 2009).  Edwards and Jones (2009) suggest student affairs professionals expose men to historical and literary figures and other alternative versions of men who may provide different ways of being masculine that challenge traditional gender identities.  These studies suggests diversity experiences promotes awareness of masculinity alternatives that may potentially promote development of a more authentic masculine identity.  

How does masculinity identities actively promote or restrict diversity experiences? 

I believe it is also important to understand how college men and their identities may restrict attitudes and behavior towards actively engaging in taking classes that focus on diversity or having serious conversations and relationships with people who are different from them.  Due to the socially constructed norms college men navigate, they may not take classes that focus on diversity as they are not perceived as “manly”.  For example, men tend to be more interested in engineering and computer science compared to gender studies, sociology, ethnic studies, or the humanities (Sax, 2008).  College men who adhere to hegemonic masculinity ideals may demonstrate negative beliefs and behavior about others who are different than them, reducing in interactional diversity.  How are our academic courses and co-curricular activities, workshops, or programs that incorporate diversity strategically marketed and promoted to college men?

Many college men may feel internally insecure or face external pressures that restrict diversity experiences with other students, staff, and faculty.  When the “Mask of Masculinity” is worn, college men are going to be more likely to retreat from engaging in diversity experiences.  They will seek out comfort and safety by adhering to those traditional masculinity norms that gain acceptance by their peers.  College men that adhere to hegemonic masculinity are likely to also struggle with the emotional expressions, complex relationships, and new found challenges that diversity experiences may provoke.  I find a lot of young college men new to universities who also haven’t arrived from multicultural communities are overwhelmed by the challenges diversity experiences provide.  They are still learning the skills needed to successfully reflect, process, and learn from this engagement.  Sax (2008) found college men’s engagement with diversity activities are also accompanied by heightened feelings of discomfort.  I fear higher education and student affairs professionals do not do enough to support these men in their unique challenges produced by gendered norms during these important experiences with diversity. 

So what does this mean to me as someone who cares about college men’s student success?

I believe well documented positive learning and development from student diversity experiences and insights to diversity experiences influence on men’s gender identity development is a unique and powerful educational tool that higher education and student affairs professionals can foster for college men.  Meaningful diversity experiences with which a man may engage might be an opportunity to explore alternative paths of masculinity for healthy identity development.  Diversity experiences may create reflective opportunities to evaluate one’s own gender identity, experiment with other masculine identities, and challenge preconceived expectations of what a man should be to accept a more authentic masculine identity, one that does not construct gender role conflict.  For example, a college man who takes a course focused on gender equality or race and ethnicities may foster more authentic masculine identity development.  A college man who has serious discussions with a student from another country and/or whose political opinions are very different may also create an opportunity for healthy masculine identity development.  

The college years are an intentional time to help students explore who they are personally and in relation to the broader world (Settersten & Ray, 2010).  Settersten and Ray (2010) stated, “This makes college a prime setting in which young people can explore or wrestle with diverse perspectives and issues” (p. 164).  Laird (2005) argued students are best off with opportunities to experiment with different roles and ideas before making commitments into adulthood.  Without diversity, students may not have time to explore different options which leaves only a few pre-college ideas to select from (Laird, 2005).  What learning and development is being missed out when college men do not engage in diversity experiences? 

Moving forward

Considering the significance to learning and development diversity experiences have on college men and their gender identity development, it is critical to understand in more detail diversity experiences’ relationship to college men.  We should be not only promoting college men’s engagement with diversity in and out of the classroom, but also ensuring we follow up with those college men to support them through the challenges these experiences can produce.  I question how college men’s gender identity may influence their engagement with diversity experiences?  We need additional research on how diversity experiences through course work or interactional diversity experiences influences college men’s masculinity identity development.  I believe there can be a very highly impactful outcome between college men’s gender identity and diversity experiences, I continue to explore what these positive outcomes are and how I can best support them as a student affairs practitioner. 

Lucas Schalewski is an Assistant Residence Manager of McNutt Residence Center in Residential Life at Indiana University-Bloomington.  Bachelor of Science in Sociology from University of Wisconson-Whitewater and Masters of Science in College Student Services Administration from Oregon State University.  You can contact him via email at Lucas.Schalewski@gmail.com or Twitter @Luke_ski. 

References

Sax, L. J. (2008). The gender gap in college: Maximizing the developmental potential of women and men. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Harris III, F. (2010). College men’s meanings of masculinities and contextual influences: Toward a conceptual model. Journal of College Student Development, 51, 297-318.

Edwards, K. E., & Jones, S. R. (2009). “Putting my man face on”: A grounded theory of college men’s gender identity development. Journal of College Student Development, 50(2), 210-228.

Gurin, P., Dey, E. L., Hurtado, S., and Gurin, G. (2002). Diversity and higher education: Theory and impact on educational outcomes. Harvard Educational Review 72(3), 330–365

Laird, T. F. N. (2005). College students' experiences with diversity and their effects on academic self-confidence, social agency, and disposition toward critical thinking. Research in Higher Education, 46(4), 365-387.

Settersten, R, & Ray, B. E. (2010) Not quite adults: Why 20-somethings are choosing a                 slower  path to adulthood, and why it’s good for everyone. New York, NY: Bantam            Books.

A 2014 Challenge to Men Everywhere

            What better space to talk about masculinity and men than the college fraternity? Tonight, I had the opportunity to sit in a room where many of my colleagues answered the question, “Where do you think the fraternal movement is headed in ten years?” Many answers throughout the room ranged from expansion policies to questioning the social Greek-Lettered organization single-sex status. What was not said (yes, I was a bystander in this situation) was the lack of support for men. No one said, “I foresee fraternities increasing the level of support for men,” and that is a shame.

            You might have seen an article recently about an email sent from a fraternity man to his chapter brothers about the “save the sluts” campaign he wanted to start on campus. Chalk another one up to the stupid undergrads who let their internal communication leak and make us look bad. All of us. Not just fraternities or student organizations. All men, everywhere. I think of the “men” who will be attending that institution in the fall and wish them much luck.

            Quite honestly, I am frustrated. Having been in the field about five years, I am a infant within the profession. However, I am sick and tired of very few men standing up to those who commit such blinding acts. I offer three keys in your efforts to encourage the men around you to step up and speak out against acts of hypermasculinity.

            Purpose and value. I get it. Most young men do not have the capacity yet to make certain values-based decisions (damn science!) in their lives. In today’s day and age, we need positive male role models. I question if the main consumer of the fraternal movement also buys in to this notion. What holds us back from challenging the men in our lives from being better people? Living with value and purpose provides guidance to understand our potential to make a positive impact on both ourselves and other men. I wonder if that letter would have leaked if someone in the writer’s chapter said “hey man, that’s not cool and against what we believe.”

            Empathy. When was the last time you truly made a commitment? With commitment comes buy-in to a cause or issue. We need to find more committed positive male role models who show empathy with, and to, other men. Trust me when I say that our male students want to tell their story, and will share when they are ready. Be that person who makes the first move. Tell your story and watch your students give your theirs. I wonder if the student who wrote the letter has an trustworthy adult in his life that could have told him that was a bad idea.

            Courage. To challenge the paradigms that surround hyper masculinity takes courage. Regardless of age and experience, we all still need to take a deep breath and put our best foot forward. One way I develop courage is by inspiring a shared vision for what can be within a fraternal organization. Using “What if’s,”  and “I wonder if’s,” I look to create a collaborative vision of a positive masculine experience, specifically through a fraternal lens. I wonder if that email would have even been written if any of the writer’s stakeholders (alumni, chapter brothers, etc.) had the courage to guide him in a different direction.

            In a perfect world, men would hold each other accountable, treat everyone the way they expect to be treated, and feel comfortable in their identities. Instead, we have 18 to 22 year old students writing email categorizing women as a “lesser sex.” We have some work to do.

            It’s the people who live with purpose and value, show empathy to others, and have the courage to step up against what is wrong that change the world. Where do I see the fraternal movement in the next years? Non-existent if we can’t produce spaces where healthy masculinity is promoted within the chapter. We need men to make history; step up, change the world, and guide the way.

—

Danny Catalano is the Assistant Director of Fraternity and Sorority Life and Leadership at Miami University. He can be imaging sense of the world, talking about soccer, and sharing his favorite music and books at Twitter at @dannycisme and at http://dannycatalano.wordpress.com.