Silence: The Enemy of Progress

I was part of a recent discussion regarding sexual assaults that have occurred on my campus.  When I hear and see these issues that keep happening in communities and college campuses, my heart hurts and I am frustrated.  Frustrated because these issues keep happening, and I have to wonder, where are the men, en masse, in these discussions? Where is my place in these discussions on how to dismantle these visible components of rape culture?  I, like many men, can be disengaged or even silent. This silence is allowing for events such as the following to continue happening on our campuses:

•  In May 2013, four Morehouse College athletes were arrested for two separate sexual assaults (Finley, 2013).
• USC is currently under investigation by the Office of Civil Rights (OCR) for allegations made by students accusing the school of mishandling 16 rape and sexual assault cases (Camero, 2013).
• [Sexual assault survivors] claim that [University of North Carolina—Chapel Hill] often acts as though no assault has taken place, protecting alleged rapists while victimizing students and disenfranchising assault survivor advocates (Kingkade, 2013).
• A group of students filed a federal complaint against Swarthmore College in Pennsylvania that claims the private liberal arts school is underreporting sexual violence on campus and discourages [survivors] from reporting (Kingkade, 2013).

Many of us sit back and purport blatant lies that silence survivors of sexual assault.  We don’t believe sexual assault survivors; instead we rationalize the rapist experience.  We don’t listen to them or understand the severity of the situation.  We ostracize them by shrugging off what happened.  We blame survivors.  Those actions are ways we silence survivors by not saying a thing.  Why do we choose silence?  I suspect, it’s easier to deny an issue than to give it life.  By remaining silent on these issues, it gives us an out.  If we acknowledge that there are horrific actions happening on our campus, we are complicit in its prevalence, but by remaining silent we don’t have to acknowledge the sad realities occurring on our campuses.

 So here’s some truth (“Sexual Assault Violence Prevention (SAVP)”, n.d.):

• 84% of college men who committed rape said that what they did was definitely not rape.
• Nearly one third of college men said they were likely to have sex with an unwilling partner if they thought they could get away with it.
• 5% of college women who were raped report the rape to the police.

Caroline Kitchener, in an August 23, 2013 article in The Atlantic, states, “At college, a [survivor] is hardly ever a stranger. He's that guy in your 12-person English seminar, or the Vice-President of the fraternity you party with. Almost a third are a "close friend" of the [survivor]. 41 percent of the time, the perpetrator is the [survivor’s] boyfriend…Often, the [survivor] does not report the assault because she's either afraid of ruining the guy's life, or of the stigma and social isolation she will feel if she does.”  Hong (2010) asserts “the vast majority of institutions of higher education fail to target college men meaningfully in primary prevention efforts.”  Collegiate efforts are centered on risk-reduction and self-defense for women, focusing on environmental factors such as campus call boxes, or offer survivor-advocacy programs; however, the reality is that these programs are (a) not a viable form of prevention, and (b) are prescriptive of the symptom (not the cause) of sexual assaults (Hong, 2010, p. 277).  Our programs are not treating the cause of sexual assaults on our college campuses:  OUR COLLEGE MEN.  Again, we remain silent.

Hegemonic forces have socialized contemporary male gender roles to depict violence and power as exclusive agents in sexual maturity.  Everyone is familiar with the “Bro Code;” however, it’s laughed off.  When college men state, “I got some last night” or “I tapped that,” their sexual partners are depicted as mere objects.  Power over another exists in these statements. When these statements are not challenged, again, silence wins.  As a society, we’ve come to find solace in silence.  Silence is our best weapon against progress…against dismantling the hegemonic forces of privilege, power, and oppression.  After hearing some recent accounts of sexual assaults both locally and in national news, I cannot remain silent any longer. 

It is time to speak up.  It is time that we change the message that is being sent to our college students.  Young women are hearing messages that tell them, “Here’s how to not get raped…” however, it’s time to focus on our young men.  We need to resoundingly tell them, “DO NOT RAPE.”  Oftentimes, the bulk of this work is in the hands of incredibly strong women, but rape culture and sexual assault is not a women’s issue.  At its stem, it is a men’s issue, and it is time for men to speak up and break the silence.  This is a call to action because our collective silence is harmful and creating dangerous cultures on our college campuses. 

I’m not naïve enough to think that any one solution will be a silver bullet solution, but something has to be done.  It is time to engage our college men on practices of HEALTHY sexual expression.  It’s time to teach our college students what healthy relationships really are.  In doing so, we seek to change the paradigm from sexual gratification through objectification to one of an authentic, healthy, communicative relationship.  But how do we get there?  At times, it’s too slow of a path it seems; however, there are small, impactful ways that we can start to change our campus cultures.

Here are three challenges that I have for you in the next week:

• Talk to your college men about healthy relationships.  What does it mean to be in a healthy, equitable, and supportive relationship?  How do they know that they are in a healthy, supportive, communicative relationship?
• Engage your college men on what CONSENT truly means.  Do they understand when they have consent?  Do they understand how to ask for consent?  Are they even comfortable asking for consent (If no, then are they truly emotionally ready to engage in sexual activity)?  Do they understand what consent isn’t?
• Connect your student leaders with resources.  Give them opportunities to connect with university administrators, clubs, or other resources that can offer support to survivors of sexual assault. 

a.     Resources include (but not limited to): 

                                               i.     http://www.mencanstoprape.org/

                                             ii.     http://safercampus.org/

                                            iii.     http://upsettingrapeculture.com/resources.html

• Connect with your coworkers—particularly the men—on ways that you can work to create a safer environment in your working departments.  This dialogue is important and missing.
• Connect with your coworkers on ways that you can work to create spaces in which students and coworkers feel safe to share their stories and experiences.  
• Above all else:  SPEAK UP.  BREAK THE SILENCE.

Sean Eddington is a Residence Education Coordinator at Purdue University.  In his work, Sean oversees the development and residential education of close to 1200 college men at Cary Quadrangle, one of the largest all-male residence halls in the United States.  The core of his work with college men is on wellness, resiliency, and wellbeing.  Connect with him on Twitter @seanmeddington or on his blog:  seaneddington.wordpress.com.

References:

Camara, M. (2013, August 26).  Sexual assault endemic to college campuses.  Daily Sundial.  Retrieved from http://sundial.csun.edu/2013/08/sexual-assault-endemic-to-college-campuses/.

Finley, L.  (2013, September 3).  Campuses must act to prevent sex assault by athletes.  The Cap Times.  Retrieved from http://host.madison.com/ct/columnist/laura-finley-campuses-must-act-to-prevent-sex-assault-by/article_b2c4bfc6-50cf-5474-b456-5502185b17f2.html.

Hong, L. (2010).  Toward a transformed approach to prevention:  Breaking the link between masculinity and violence.  In  Harper, S. and Harris III, F. (Eds.)  College men and masculinities.  (pp. 276-298).  San Francisco:  Jossey-Bass. 

Kingkade, T.  (2013, April 18).  Swarthmore college faces federal complaint alleging underreported sexual misconduct.  The Huffington Post.  Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/18/swarthmore-federal-complaint-sexual-assaults_n_3110445.html.

Kingkade, T.  (2013, January 16).  University of north Carolina routinely violates sexual assault survivor rights, students claim.  The Huffington Post.  Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/16/unc-sexual-assault_n_2488383.html.

Kitchener, C. (2013, August 23).  How to encourage more college sexual assault victims to speak up.  The Atlantic.  Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/08/how-to-encourage-more-college-sexual-assault-victims-to-speak-up/278972/.

Sexual Assault Violence Prevention (SAVP). (n.d.) Retrieved September 20, 2013 from http://savp.vassar.edu/facts/rape-on-college-campuses.html.

Building Community Amongst Men: A New Conversation

The need for men, those in college specifically, to better understand who they are - is driving this significant wave of masculinity research and dialogue. As we continue to read, write, research, and teach, we should pay close attention to the opportunities inherent in bringing together members of a community to transform their culture. My individual conversations with college men reflect a desire on their part to break through the limitations of the traditional constructs of masculinity. When they realize that much of how they think, interact, and engage is shaped by a larger societal expectation of how they show up in the world - they want something different. There is a growing desire for more authenticity and greater vulnerability. And ultimately, as a millennial generation they want the quality of their friendships to match the quantity of their friendships.

Two years ago as we begin discussions to create a transformative learning experience for fraternity and sorority members at Virginia Tech, our attention turned towardscommunity We became interested in understanding how you build a community, as we knew for certain that if we were going to inspire our leaders that it would require a shift in their overall paradigm about what community is. We discovered Peter Block's Community: The Structure of Belonging. In this book, Block describes, "In community building, we choose the people and the conversation that will produce the accountability to build relatedness, structure belonging, and move the conversation forward".  This one phrase dramatically shifted me away from thinking that our efforts simply needed to start with new programs and services. Those would surely come - but, we had to first unpack this idea that we needed to start with "people" and "conversation".

As we consider the need to teach men about themselves, what if we embraced Block's framework and think about masculinity as a community-building effort. After all, if our ultimate goal is to enhance their self-understanding through authenticity and vulnerability, then relatedness and belonging have to be paramount to our attempts. Some researchers within this field of study have utilized small group discussions to teach masculinity. What if the small group interaction actually became the means towards the end?

I would propose that we truly consider the power of community building as we seek to shift the culture and limitations of traditional masculinity. Choosing a small group of inspired students that are interested in co-creating a different experience is the first step. In this small group, accountability is developed through their willingness to be present for each other, offer a dissenting opinion, and ultimately agree on what's possible. As these men learn more about themselves and each other, they will undoubtedly come to realize the gifts and talents they each have to create new and invigorating conversations about a different existence for men within this world. Out of these collective efforts could arise innovative programs and services created by this community of men. At this point, belonging does not simply describe their relationship to each other, but the ownership they each have for their new community.

My thoughts could simply be "pie in the sky" images, but if Block's process of community has worked for towns, localities, and organizations around the world, then why could it not work for a group of men that may be moved to redefine the "culture of men". As educators, we must find a way to facilitate the efforts of a small group of men to begin having these conversations. As Block also says, we have to give special thoughts to who the group invites into these conversations and that these interactions mostly occur without a mandate for participation - as choosing to be part of the conversation also means choosing to be accountable to those conversations as well.

In imagining a different type of intervention for assisting men I do not think we should abandon the programs and initiatives that have worked thus far. I think we should rethink how we structure those opportunities for student learning so they are meaningful, lasting, and transformative for our college men. Our role is not simply to manage our men's issues, but to equip our men to align their strengths with a need in their community. To equip them means to give them the room to sort through the complicated issues that affect them while in community with each other.

Within the complicated dialogue of men's development is a messy, challenging process that often has no finite answers. This flies in the face of how current students have been socialized - as they are used to quick, prescriptive answers. At times, this process is often challenging for the educator that may not appreciate that within the messiness is a powerful opportunity to engage in meaningful learning. Masculinity can be a difficult reality for students as they come to fully realize the intersections between self and society, and the extent to which they negatively impact themselves and others. It seems only fitting to examine how we might shift the culture of masculinity much the same way that social entrepeneurs build community. Out of this educational process may arise a learning paradigm in which our college men: foster curiosity within themselves; develop a stronger self-understanding of their talents; engage in civility by valuing those on the margins; become courageous leaders by joining those on the margins to move forward a different conversation; and ultimately realize that life in service to others (building other better men, and women) grows the self in immense ways.

Byron Hughes currently serves as the interim director of Fraternity and Sorority Life at Virginia Tech. Prior to his work in this area, he also worked with Student Conduct and Housing and Residence Life. Through this work, he has also been able to see the learning that takes place through conversations, relationships, self-reflection, and more. The work we do is awesome! Feel free to reach out to him via email (bahughes@vt.edu) or Twitter (@gull2hokie) to keep this conversation going.

Does Masculinity Undermine Fraternity?

If you ask me, I have the most fascinating job that there is.  Now, that might seem like a cliché, but it is truly how I feel about the work that I am able to do everyday.  Let me explain a bit about my good fortune.  As a Fraternity and Sorority Life advisor, I spend a large majority of my days engaging with fraternity men and learning from their experiences.  I have the ability to provide a space to men that goes far beyond checking in on task and their respective roles within a chapter.  For many, it is the first time that they are able to unpack and express emotions that society tells them are unmanly.  In that sacred space, someone is allowing and challenging them to feel.  Even more so, someone is validating the experiences that may go against the societal status quo, promising a safe space, and encouraging just one meaningful and authentic connection with another brother to create positive change.  Seems lofty, right?  Yeah, I know.  The men that I work with often grapple with their own masculinity, with how masculinity informs the culture and groupthink mentality within their brotherhoods, or what to even do with this information.  Often, it takes quite a while to comprehend the gender roles and the privilege that they have as men, because quietly they are feeling wounded, trapped, and disempowered by expectations.  Nothing about this process is perfect, and that’s just the beauty of it.  I grapple and learn through these concepts right along with the students that I work with.  The hope is that over time, they will start to unpeel the layers of this masculinity thing and want to make some type of impact on their community.  I know that, aside from an immense growth in personal and identity development, most of this is change that I may never see with my own eyes, and that’s okay.

What I do not always have the opportunity to do is to meet with men who have been removed from their chapter or from a chapter that was removed from a campus.  Particularly, I do not typically have the chance to sustain a relationship through this or engage with a student who is so well aware of the current scope of masculinity through tragic lived experience.  Last week, I had that such occurrence and it was truly eye opening.  I sat down with a man who I had never met to hear his experience within Fraternity Life.  Let me caution that I in no means condone or am absolving the pieces of the story that will follow, but simply listening brought me a perspective shift that is worth exploring.  This particular man was a member of a chapter with longstanding ritual, and the “ritual” that I am referring to is not synonymous with ceremonies based off of the chapters’ founding fathers, or values that were implored in the everyday lives of chapter members.  Rather, the ritual that he was referring to were the local customs that had been in place for quite some time – those that had become more egregious over time, and the culture that had been bred within this community of men.  The chapter was ridden with demeaning, sexually explicit, and homophobic hazing activities in order to prove commitment and manhood.  It was a chapter that would also capture and circulate hundreds of documented sexual activities – with or without consent of activities, documentation, and distribution.  For these reasons, and so many more, this group has been disbanded, and the gruesome details are irrelevant for this post.  However, his story and his experience through it, while extreme and a story that might prompt the response of “that’s not us” or “we’d never let things go that far,” when told to other fraternity men, provides remarkable insight into Fraternity gone wrong, but more so, provides another lens into masculinity.

There are so many themes that I do not have enough time to dig into, but I will try to draw forward some of the main ideas.  Fraternity is supposed to be a place where men find a home and a community that reflects their own individual values, and helps them to develop into better men.  However, that many men in one space with a warped sense of manhood are sure to have some immense struggles.  When reflecting on what had happened in our time together, I was brought back to my own college experience.  As an undergraduate, there was this shared consensus among my sorority sisters that when great men joined one specific chapter on campus, once initiated, something had drastically changed within those men and they had ultimately changed for the worse.  I was reminded of that during this initial conversation because there’s something to note about great men joining a group of other individually great men, and yet together, they completely unravel and become something that they themselves would not say aligns with their personal values.  To boot, the men themselves do not even necessarily notice the gradual change until there is a significant impact.  There’s something so twisted, so ironic, and yet, so simple, about heterosexual men who will engage in homosexual hazing activities to prove their worth and then because of that activity and secrecy that has been formed, are able to instill a hypermasculine culture that glorifies homophobia and the objectification of women.  A culture that then is dependent on the numbers game and the meaningless hookups to undo something that cannot be undone.

This student acknowledged that when the glimpses into this chapter’s lifestyle were revealed, his future and that of the others in this group had been tainted forever.  He was not worried though about his future, but rather about his unwillingness to take a stand, his inability to notice the change in himself before it was too late, his inability to see the culture before he became the culture, and how his bystander behavior significantly changed the lives of so many more than just the men in that group.  At one chilling point, he looked me directly in the eye and said, “you have no idea what it’s like to walk around campus with people looking at you like you’re a rapist and whispering about you as you pass by. But that’s on me, and that’s something that I will live with for the rest of my life.” 

His intention for meeting was to want to share his story with active members of Fraternity and Sorority Life in order to bring awareness to the dangers of this culture.  He wants to empower others to notice the culture and to ask for help when things are not right.  But, even he was able to acknowledge that it’s not that simple.  This whole example is certainly not a hazing issue that derives from nowhere.  This is an issue of men needing power and needing to feel something.  When we talked about masculinity programming being critical, he agreed but did not see it to be plausible.  Though I do not think that it is implausible, it is a delicate rope to balance on.  Men are not drawn to engaging in large groups of other men because they struggle with being weak in front of so many, the weakness is a correlation with their manhood, and that’s the only manhood that they have.  What he closed out with was what struck me the most, “but if we get one person, just one, isn’t that enough? Isn’t that worth it then?”

I could reflect for days and find something new each time that I do.  The struggle is not always with identifying this problem, but rather knowing what to do with it.  I think that the best that we can do is to build individual relationships and get buy-in from those men.  If we can get one man to open up to another man and create that same space for the other that we provide as professionals, I believe that a domino effect can happen.  Perhaps from there, the men themselves can facilitate dialogues about men’s issues, but until they are invested and trusting of all of the others that come to that space, the dialogues will not take off.  Men are still vying for men’s attention.  Generally, men assess their sense of worth based on other men’s approval.  Women may think that they have some impact on the way that men take up their space, but truth be told, women are not even in the arena.  While women are fighting to level the playing field, and while we may think that this is a threat to a man’s masculinity, this is only truly a threat if another man suggests that it is.

Emily Cunningham is the Coordinator of Greek Leadership Development and Housefellow at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, PA.  Emily received a BA in Psychology and Substance Abuse Studies from Iona College and an MA in Higher Education Leadership from the University of San Diego.  She both welcomes and encourages open and healthy dialogue around masculinity work. She can be reached on Twitter @emcdot89.

Power! Money! Women!

Attention grabbing?  Yes.  The best way to attract students to join a university club? Probably not.

I cannot take credit for that little gem of a headline; however it was generated from a student I advise in relation to promoting a residence hall club.    I distinctly remember opening the email containing the headline while in my office with a colleague.  We were in the middle of a conversation when I suddenly stopped talking and stared blankly at the computer screen, unable to formulate a thought in response to the headline.  My colleague inquired as to why I suddenly looked like someone had kicked my dog and I then read her the email.  Her response was a little more composed and to the point: “I think you need to have a little discussion with them.”  She was right.  The message was clear; but was it the right message, and how should I approach it?

Let me give a little background information.  I am an administrator for a residence hall housing 700 college students on a large university campus.  I also supervise a staff of 18 paraprofessional live-in individuals, and advise a hall club consisting of around 50 residents.  My job is wonderful and I find joy in almost every aspect of my job, from the conduct meetings to the developmental conversations that take place on a daily basis.  This is almost no different than any other administrative position within a college residence hall, however my experience has a little twist: this hall houses only men, the staff is all men, and my club consists of only men.  Here’s another twist:  I am the only woman.  My professional life is surrounded almost entirely by men on a daily basis so it is very safe to say that I have a particular passion for the development and education of college-aged men.  So when I received the above headline my heart broke a little and I was confused.  I had a number of questions: What impact really WAS taking place within the walls of my residence hall?  What sparked this headline such that the author believed those words would attract the majority of the men within the halls to join the hall club?  How deep-rooted did this stereotypical definition of masculinity (power, money, and women) go within our community? What should my response be? And finally, how would my message be received as a woman relaying this to only men?

My mind was spinning; however, it became the catalyst I needed to start a movement within my community.  Since beginning work at this hall filled with men there have been a number of little fires that have left me questioning my role in my community as the main administrator and educator. Each incident left me a little more determined and passionate about dialoging and communicating with my residents and staff.  After the Sandy Hook shootings an ad campaign featuring an assault rifle with the caption, “Don’t let them take away your Man Card” was circulating.  The Steubenville rape case happened and conversations were taking place about the role the individuals played in the video recording. Most recently the controversy surrounding Miley Cyrus’ performance at the MTV Video Music Awards happened…but conversations weren’t happening about Robin Thicke’s equal participation in the performance. 

These incidents coupled with more local issues including issues of sexual assault, consent, and the general societal norms of slut-shaming and rape culture sealed my mission with my community.  These issues are not just women’s issues; these are men’s issues and it is our responsibility to inform and educate our young men on what being a man is all about.  It is not about the Money, the Power, and the Women; it’s about personal acceptance and ability to transcend the societal pressures to conform.  It is understanding that the media’s ideal of manliness of having the hottest girlfriend, making the most money, and having the most power is not wanted by every man and should not be the standard each man holds himself against.  Blogger Harris O’Malley illustrates a culture that paints the idea of being a man as “animalistic” and “brutish, stupid, and violent,” but that we are working to change this ideal and become something greater. 

So here is my mission: Create an environment that challenges the current idea of cultural manliness but in a way that is safe, creative, open, and expressive.  But this isn’t so easy.  It takes buy-in and it takes conversations happening at a very basic level.  It takes more than just one woman working in all man world.  I have identified some fundamental elements that I am currently implementing with my community:

1.  Engage in conversations.  When things like this article hit the campus newspaper, don’t be afraid to ask questions.  I may have my personal questions and issues with it, but I want to know what others are thinking.  As a woman in my position I have found it pretty simple to ask these questions and get genuine responses, especially if there are 2 or 3 people involved in the conversation.

2.  Challenge viewpoints.  I love to offer counter arguments and elicit further conversations by the phrase, “Tell me more”.  I had a staff member in my office once explaining how as a white middle-class man he is not privileged.  He explained how he grew up knowing how to treat others and that he “didn’t see color”.  He was not understanding intent versus impact and how as a white man he was born with privilege, whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not.  So when things come across my desk such as the Power! Money! Women! sign I immediately ask how this affects our entire community.  What if, by chance, those things are not important to all men?

3.  Identify.  Identify those that are as invested as you are in your mission through these conversations.  These are your leaders and these are the motivators.  After talking with the individual who sent me the wonderful headline and challenging the viewpoint, he is now one of my biggest change agents.   Through conversation and encouraging the freedom to express ideas it becomes pretty easy to identify those who are as passionate as I am about making the much-needed changes.

4.  Educate.  I am continuously finding articles, TED talks, and current events that are relevant to our community of all men and sending them on to my leaders.  This provokes more conversations and allows for more challenges, and starts the cycle over again. 

5.  Sit back and watch it develop.  The seed has been planted and with proper care, your leaders and change agents will identify other leaders and the process will continue.  A wonderful point of pride for me recently involved a staff member sending me a TED talk by Jackson Katz; he was totally inspired by it and anxious to work it into our fall staff training.  He is a part of my hall administrative team and with his enthusiasm behind developing this training opportunity for our staff, the mission is developing.

6.  Stay motivated and stay in it.  Just because others have made it their mission as well, I cannot take myself out of the game; I need to persist and continue to find new development opportunities in order to make a complete change.

The questions are all still there.  I don’t go a day without wondering about issues that could be taking place in the 300-plus rooms in my hall.  I constantly worry that I am sending young men out into a world where they are under-prepared and culturally desensitized.  I consistently question my relevancy as a woman working with only men.  I wonder if words fall on deaf ears and unmotivated minds.   However, I am motivated on a daily basis by the conversations, by the actions, and by bright, talented and inspired young men I have the pleasure of working with every single day.   

Randi Ann Purvis is an Area Coordinator in University Residences at Purdue University in West Lafayette, IN. She can be reached on Twitter @PurdueRandi.