Set Perfectionism Aside

Set Perfectionism Aside

I spent the greater part of the week torn over what I should write about for the Men & Masculinities blog. I had these grandiose ideas of writing something that would change the landscape and contain some groundbreaking original thought. Something that would move readers. I was so caught up in this idea of writing something profound or perfect that it actually kept me from writing. Where else does this happen in our lives?

I see this every day in my own life. We are so obsessed with making sure everything we do is perfect. The never ending quest for perfection is absolutely debilitating. It doesn’t breed productivity, but rather keeps us from engaging and moving forward. But before I making sweeping statements and claim that we all are always striving for perfection, I will say it’s cultural. For me, it’s a privilege I have to strive towards perfection. I am a white, heterosexual, temporarily able-bodied, male on a predominantly white campus. I have been told all my life that I should be creating and disrupting.

I am so afraid that this mission for perfection prevents us from action. And then I realize through my own identities that I also have the privilege to not so anything. I can perpetuate norms day in and day out and nearly never be questioned. I have the undeserved privilege to not even have to say a word. This ranges from the countless micro aggressions I see in person or the conversations I share with students about hetero and sexist norms. I don’t have to say anything.

These perfectionist tendencies leave us always straining our brains or sifting through the research to figure out how to have these conversations. We are left with thoughts of, “what if I say the wrong thing,” “what if this person then doesn’t like me,” “what if I don’t think I am the expert?” It’s absolutely paralyzing. So we are able to slowly back away and not say a thing. We have unreal expectations that there is only one way to make change. We have unreal expectations that there is only one way to have a conversation. It’s time to move the discourse from perfection to good enough. What if any conversation was good enough?

Dr. Stephen Quaye spoke at ACPA 2014 and left a sentiment that brings to light so much of our fear. Dr. Quaye suggests that we should move from being “Perfect to Good Enough.” He went on to say that the culture of perfectionism has become a defense mechanism for the fear of failure. And isn’t it just that? We are so afraid that the conversations we have with our students just might not work. But for a moment, think about one conversation that changed your life or your perspective.

Have the conversation even if you don’t think it’s perfect. Say what needs to be said even if it’s not perfect. Because without even starting that conversation, we perpetuate the cycle. Maybe that one conversation you have will be enough.

How does this relate to men and masculinity? As a white male, this is one of the biggest problems. We need to have conversations with the students we interact with and begin to help them to identify themselves within identities. Be a support for to our students as they begun to understand their identities and privileges that they hold. Empathize. But number one be willing to share the conversation. Because my silence perpetuates white supremacy and patriarchy. We need to guide our students through these conversations rather than hope someone else will bring it up.

1.       Have the conversation

If you can’t complete this, please go back to the beginning and read again.

2.       Seek their Story

There is so much humanity and so much community when you allow a space for someone to share their story. You both have now spent time and energy sharing and making meaning of what their young person’s life is like. You can begin to seek to understand why they say what they say or what they think. We can begin to then understand what questions to ask them in order to help them. We can ask them how they feel about their origins or how they fit into the world of binaries we have created. In particular with masculinity, sexism and our patriarchal society.

3.       Your story is your own

Do not expect your students to be where you are or to understand you immediately. Our nation is suffering from a lack of ability to take another’s perspective. We are surrounded by individuals that have rarely imagined life beyond their very own story. When you are sharing a conversation it is important to remember that you are where you are because you have spent your whole life as you.

But even more, my understanding of masculinity is not the same as one of my best friend’s understanding of masculinity. We must be aware of our identities and how culturally it impacts us all differently.

I know I haven’t said anything profound but I hope we can begin to shift our thinking from perfect to good enough. Any conversation is better than no conversation. Say something when you hear something. Because after all my silence perpetuates white supremacy and patriarchy so you can at least count on me.

About the Author:

Evan Knoespel is currently a Hall Director at Iowa State University. He earned his graduate degree in Higher Education and Student Affairs from the University of Iowa where he served as an Assistant Hall Coordinator. He earned his undergraduate degree in Sociology from the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse. Evan also previously served as an Intern at the Savannah College of Art and Design.

Dave’s Story: College Men’s Identity Exploration through Participation in Qualitative Research

Several years ago I was involved in my dissertation research project.  My qualitative study explored the perceptions a group of first-year male students had about interacting with faculty outside of class.  Talk about exploding one’s research scope; not only were my participants first-year men, but they were also White, and first in their family to potentially graduate from college.  So, I had a veritable smorgasbord of identities to deal with as I set up the study.  

Each participant sat for three individual interviews, each of which lasted between 45 minutes and 2 hours. One of my participants – let’s call him Dave – was one of my favorites (I wasn’t supposed to have those but it happened).  He was funny, open-minded, smart, expressive, vulnerable, confident, and inquisitive.  His story was one of hardship and success, misunderstandings and friendship, and family love and strife.  “Breaking Away” emerged as the central theme from Dave’s three interviews.  He was from a small town and he perceived its people to be racist, homophobic, and intolerant of most non-Christian religions.  All he wanted growing up was go to college away from home, beat the odds most believed he couldn’t, and be successful in college and in life.  He visited the campus by himself over the summer, registered for classes, and when it came time to move into his residence hall, he did so by himself as well.  I was entirely enthralled by his story.  Months later I could still hear his voice and see his smile as I combed through the transcripts working on a publication.

Long story short, I completed the interviews, finished the dissertation, and ended up moving to another state with my family.  I friended some of my research participants on Facebook later that year, Dave among them.  I suppose we stayed in loose contact over the years.  He graduated and moved far away from his home state.  Every once in a while I “liked” one of his posts or he one of mine, but no substantive messages were ever exchanged.  That changed a little over a year ago when Dave Facebooked me indicating how much he had been thinking about the interviews (more than half a decade ago after they took place), how he wondered what he had said then, and how he wished he would have known then what he knew now.  I was elated about him reaching out and inquired more about his motivation to contact me.  He shared more of how much the interviews meant to him, and how I was the first person with whom he wanted to share more of his identity at the time because I was open to listening, because I wasn’t judging him, and because I wouldn’t share anything with anyone.  He trusted me as a researcher - and perfect stranger really - with some of his secrets. This exchange of messages was eye-opening to me and reaffirmed what we as educators hope for whenever we connect with a student: that we can make a difference, perhaps not noticed in the moment, but over time.  

Since reconnecting, I have interviewed Dave twice on the phone and am interviewing him once more in person in a few weeks when I am in his city.  The focus of the manuscript I will write for publication will rest on self-authorship and identity development of college men through participating in qualitative research.  

I have also since talked with others who conducted similar research with college men.  One good colleague mentioned that during a follow-up study with participants two summers ago, most of the men said the original interviews were among the most powerful experiences they had during their undergraduate careers.  One of the most powerful?!  It is telling that research participation can mean so much to students, specifically to college men.  College men are often at odds with the way they perceive to be socialized by families, schools, and society and how they may conceive of themselves.  The resulting conflict can lead to a host of concerns, chief among them the fear to show emotion or vulnerability.  Yet, the need to explore and reflect on these feelings exists and remains in men.  

Dave’s story, and those of so many other college men who participate in a variety of interpersonal, communicative, or expressive activities paint an image of positive identity development through prolonged individual or small group conversation and engagement.  Not all college educators are trained counselors or may have time to engage in qualitative research with young men.  But the rapport qualitative researchers build with participants is near synonymous with the rapport student affairs professionals or faculty must create to reach, guide, counsel, advise, teach, and mentor students.  Finding ways to engage men in deep conversation or reflection is necessary in coursework, during educational programs, during conduct or advising sessions, on alternative spring break trips or study abroad sojourns, during service learning experiences, or simply in everyday face-to-face conversation.  Research has suggested for years that critical conversation and reflection in one-on-one or small group settings may do wonders for men’s positive identity development.  Over time this kind of engagement may lead college men away from attitudes and behaviors associated with performing masculinity and becoming more self-actualized and authentic individuals.  Finally, men who have been encouraged to engage in this personal exploration and reflection may more easily commit to acting in solidarity with marginalized students on campus and members of society.  So, whether you conduct a research study with college men or sit across from them during a regular one-on-one meeting, don’t underestimate the potential influence a conversation will have on them.

Jörg Vianden is Assistant Professor of Student Affairs Administration at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse.  His scholarship focuses mainly on college men and masculinities.  Please consider following him on twitter at @jvianden.